Rick vs Holly Blue
by Mid 90's
Summary: Nothing serious just wrote this story for Shits and giggles. Wrote it while I was on jury duty months ago. Needing money to get some stuff back Rick was just hired to steal something from Pink Diamond's zoo. Now he and Morty must go in disguise so no one can know they're human. Oneshot.


"Rick where are we going?" Morty asks afraid of what words will come out of his grandfather's mouth after he finishes drinking that bottle of vodka.

"We- 'UuUuRp!' We're heading to an alien planet to steal Morty. After I went to jail, y-y-y-y-y-your...your idiot dad threw most of my shit out Morty! Personally I blame you."

"Me?!"

"Yeah you you little piece of turd! If you hadn't doubted me and rescued my stuff we wouldn't be doing this! So- so we're going to this alien world to steal some valuable stuff so I can...so I can pawn it and earn some dough to replace everything!"

"Ah geez Rick!" Morty whines. He then notices a peculiar ballerina style dress in the backseat.

"Rick why are we bringing this dress with us?"

" **Y** o **u** 'r **e**..." the old man belches. "You're gonna wear it Morty."

"Why do I have to wear this dress?!"

"Because Morty we have to look the part when we blend in."

"Blend in?"

"That's right, this planet is run by gems."

"Gems? How can... a-a-a-a bunch of rocks rule a planet?"

"From what I hear they're humanoid rocks and the the reason for this dress... everyone on that planet is basically female."

Morty's eyes shone. "So you're saying there's only girls on that planet."

"That's... that's what I just said Morty you...you have to learn to listen."

"No males then?"

"Don't even think about it."

"Wait, what are you going to wear Rick?"

Rick lifts his shirt revealing what appears to be a green spandex suit.

"Rick that's not fair, why do I have to be the only one to wear this, why don't you!?"

"I... I already told you Morty we have to blend in! You're going to disguise yourself as a pearl since pearls on that planet are basically slaves."

"Really?"

"I'm going to disguise myself as a peridot since they're the ones that deal with technology. You're going to be my servant pearl, now go put on that dress, we're almost there."

As they made it to the human zoo, Morty adjusts the spandex of his dress, The sheer hem poofed up to his thighs, he also wore thigh high stockings with ballet shoes. Rick didn't want to admit but he was quite proud that his grandson can pull off a ballerina dress. Of course he wasn't going to tell him that. Morty hopes that no one laughs. Rick gives him a large pearl rhinestone.

"What's this?" Morty asks.

"It's a fake gem Morty, stick it on your forehead. Since you're my pearl your gem placement has to be just like mines."

"I thought this place would be bigger."

"This is one of the places. The rest of the planet is somewhere else."

Rick places his peridot gem on his head and puts the green shades on. He notices the entrance is guarded by an amethyst guard.

Morty notices that guard's gem is on her cheek. "Woah, rick how are we going to get passed her?"

"Ju- urp! Just follow my lead Morty do everything I say. If they catch you disobeying me they'll kill you."

As the two of them walk up to the guard she spoke. "Halt, who goes there?"

"At ease there soldier, just here to fix the broken uhh... room."

The amethyst looked confused. "Which room?"

"You...you know that one with the giant door."

"Pink Diamond's room?"

"Yeah, that one."

"Oh, alright then-"

"Hold it!" Yelled another voice. The other gem wasn't an amethyst guard, she's blue, bigger than the amethyst and looked very strict.

"Whats going on, who are they?"

"They're here to fix Pink Diamond's room Holly Blue Agate."

Rick introduces themselves "What she said, I'm a peridot and this is my pearl."

"You're a peridot?" she raises a brow.

"Yeah... what's it to you?"

"Peridots are usually small aren't they?" says Holly eyeing Rick's height. " Are you one of the first eras?"

"Yeah sure." Rick replies.

Holly looks at Morty. "And this is your pearl? Why is she so short."

Rick explains "Wah- well they ran out of...uh... geos to make this one."

"She's so deformed, they haven't thought about shattering her?"

"I decided to keep her, I felt bad that they were going to kill her so they gave her to me instead."

"How noble of you, you almost remind me of Blue Diamond, so kind hearted."

"Rick, kind hearted?" Morty said to himself. He couldn't help but think how this lady is such a snob, probably a kiss ass too.

Holly laughs "A peridot with a pearl, what a laugh." She then looks down at Morty. "You're a very lucky pearl little one, if it weren't for your peridot you would've been shattered."

Rick continues "Cool, we're going to go fix that room now."

"It's strange though." Holly stops them. "I didn't know Pink Diamond's room had a problem." she asks suspiciously

Rick explains "Well the chief wanted me to adjust the settings on the speed of the door and all that crap."

"Who?"

"Blue Diamond."

"What about Yellow Diamond?"

"Huh?"

"Your diamond is usually the one to sends orders isn't she? I ask because you don't have your diamond insignia on your suit."

Morty tries not to look nervous.

Rick responds "Well she sent me to help Blue fix that door, now are you going to let me fix it or do I have to tell Yellow diamond you were disobeying orders."

"Don't you dare talk to me that way you insignificant gem. Just go fix that door and be off." said the agate in a low voice.

The two of them head inside to find a giant door. Rick breaks the silence, "Damn, did you see- ' **U** r **P**!' the cakes on that one Morty? If I weren't stealing shit right now I'd tap that ass. What do you think?"

"I...I don't know Rick, she clearly doesn't like us at all."

"That just makes it even hotter. Angry sex Morty, one of the best things in life."

"Gross Rick." Morty then asks "Rick, who're the diamonds anyway?"

"They're leaders of their planet Morty. There's Blue, Yellow, and White Diamond. There used to be a Pink Diamond."

"What happened to her?"

"From the stories they told me there was a war between earth and their planet. One of Pink Diamond's soldiers betrayed and killed her to save the earth."

"So this place…"

"Is all that's left of her work, I guess."

"Oh wow Rick that must have been re-real epic battle huh."

"Yeah, but what I don't buy from that story is how can one soldier destroy a diamond, I... I... I mean everyone knows diamonds are unbreakable, so...so how can a quartz even break one of those giants?"

"I don't know Rick, ma...maybe these diamonds must have a weak spot or something."

The old man takes another swig from his flask.

"Well, enough of the boring stuff, how about that Holly huh?"

"I don't want to hear anymore Rick!" Morty closes his ears.

"Come on Morty, ye...yuh...you can't just ignore how stacked she is, d...don't you just wanna put your head between her that ass or tits and just motorboat them?!"

Another voice joins them "You and me both sister."

They both turn to see another amethyst guard but this one has a gem on her right hand.

"Hey."

Morty hid behind his grandfather.

The amethyst laughs "Chill, I was sent by Holly to watch over you guys. I couldn't help but hear the conversation you guys were having about Holly's… assets."

Morty tries to apologize "We're really sorry about what my uh... Peridot said."

"Don't be. That ass is the reason why we're able to deal with her."

Rick adds on "We?"

"Do you have any idea how much we all want to have a piece of Holly?"

"Tell me about it." Rick adds on.

"It's so bad we make her angry on purpose cause we think it's pretty hot."

"Well, have you guys thought about….you know…."

"What?"

Rick tells her "Take her down and fuck her. I-I-I-I mean there's a lot of you more than her so..."

"What's fuck?" the amethyst looked curious.

"You know when you insert things into her or grab hold of her uh…"

The gem was still clueless.

"Kinda like merging bodies with each other."

"Oh… sounds like fusion."

"I guess..."

"But you know fusions are forbidden."

"Wait, why?!" Rick asks.

Amethyst explains "What are you new? It's the diamond law, everyone knows that."

"That sounds stupid."

"Hey don't say that out loud, if Holly or anyone else hear you you'll get shattered."

"Whatever, hey can you lead us to Pink Diamond's room?"

"Sure."

They came across an enormous door. Morty couldn't believe the size, it was was even bigger than the giants from that medieval world. Rick was also impressed.

"Rick!" Morty was petrified.

"Shut up Morty!"

"These Diamonds are more than just giants!"

"I said shut up you idiot!"

" I... I can't do this Rick le-let's just get out of here and go home!"

"Shush already fuck! Listen why don't you and uh... Amethyst go wander around while I... adjust this door."

"O-okay."

The amethyst smiles. "Cool, wanna check out the zoo?"

"Sure." Morty replies.

"So what's with the goofy names you two call each other by?"

"Oh that uhh... We came up with these names so we...don't confuse ourselves when we're with other pearls or peridots."

"Oh I understand, the whole number and letter thing is too much sometimes."

While Morty went with Amethyst Rick was able to hack the lock pad. Inside he finds what he's looking for.

"Holy shit motherfucker, jackpot!" His eyes shone when he sees a large cluster of bubbled rose quartzes. He looks around to make sure no one's on his tail. He turns on his grappling shoes to climb on the walls with no problem. He snagged the nearest quartz and puts it in his pocket.

"One's enough to get all my stuff back, probably have some extra flurbos too." he says to himself. He climbs down the walls then runs straight for the door.

"They won't even notice one's missing. Now all I need is to just grab Morty and get out of here." As the doors opened, Holly stood in front of him.

"Well well well, what do we have here?" she said startling him.

"Oh uhh… h-h-hey there uh… Holly."

"That's Holly Blue Agate to you. I thought you were fixing this door."

"I just did, mission accomplished, better get going."

"Not so fast. By any chance did you touch anything in here?"

"No."

"Liar! You took one of the rose quartzes huh." Holly accuses him.

"You have proof fat ass?"

"What did you just call me?!" she screams.

"What? I just said you have a fat ass, it's a compliment."

"Agh! How dare you talk about the size of my posterior! I should report you to the diamonds!" she growls.

"Geez lady, y-y-y-y-y-y-you're gonna… re-report me for saying you have a huge ass!"

"Ohh… That's it, forget the diamonds I'll take care of you myself!" she takes out her whip.

Rick grins seeing the lightning whip, "Damn, never thought you were that kinky Holly."

Holly's face turns into a dark blue from either anger or embarrassment, "Why you little worthless…"

One of the amethyst guards sees what's going on. She turns to Skinny

"Get everybody down here, they gotta see this."

.

.

.

Meanwhile Amethyst and Morty kept an eye on the humans in the zoo.

"So… these humans are descendents of earthlings millions of years ago?" Morty asks

"Yeah, cool huh."

"Uh… yeah."

Carnelian finds them,

"Hey you guys heard? Some peridot's trying to take on Holly."

"Oh no Rick!" Morty Panics.

"Oh crud we better go see what's going on."

.

Rick and Holly are preparing for their battle. Almost every quartz showed up to see the fight.

Holly scowls at Rick. "You're going to regret ever picking a fight with me you useless peridot."

"Oh yeah, let's see what you think when I take you down a peg." Threatened Rick.

Holly throws her whip towards Rick's feet making him dodge the static electricity sparking on the floor.

"It's gonna take more than your sex whip to take me down!" Rick uses his boots to quickly climb on the walls so he can go over the agate's head to fall on her.

"Cmere!" he jumps over her.

Holly cracks her whip in his direction, Rick quickly flails out of the way just in time before the sparks of the lightning hit him.

"Woah, fuck!" he curses.

Hitting the floor he rolls reaching into his suit taking out a small ray gun shooting towards her.

"Is that all you got?!" she says while successfully dodging and hitting the rays."

The old man takes out a small colorish orb. He smashes it on the ground releasing a smoke screen making it hard to see.

"Where are you… you miserable..ah!" The agate yelps "What in the world?!"

Morty and Amethyst approached the fog of smoke.

"What just happened?" Amethyst asks. A murmur came out from the rest of the gems wondering what's going on. They hear Holly yell

"What is this, what's on me?!" she panics

As the smoke clears everyone gasps.

"W-w-what's going on?" Morty asks getting through the crowd to see if his grandfather's all right.

"Oh my god Rick!"

Rick wrapped himself onto the large gem. His head was snug between her large tits. As Holly sees what's going on she lets out a scream,

"What in homeworld do you think you're doing?!"

Rick looks at her with a coy expression "Just checking out the goods."

"Ugh! Stay away from my appendages?!" she pushes him off

Morty yells "Rick what the hell?!"

"I-I-I-I-I-I couldn't help it Morty. I know I should've escaped bu- bu-but couldn't resist I urp-need to now if they're the real deal!"

Most of the quartzes wooed at the spectacle Rick was doing.

"Yeah!"

"Whoo!"

"Lucky her!" screamed one of the amethysts."

"Oh Rick…" Morty shouldn't be surprised that Rick would resort to do this in battle.

"Is there anything we can do to save him?" Morty asks.

The right handed amethyst responds "I don't think she needs help, it looks like he's trying to get Holly off guard."

Morty never thought about it that way, maybe Rick was indeed up to something. The Agate growls.

"Why aren't you useless quartzes taking them down?! They stole one of the rose quartzes from Pink Diamond's room you idiots!"

"And I already told you that you have no proof!" Rick snaps at her. "You're ass is mine!"

"You!"

Rick leaps right at her while at the same time Holly uses her whip again only this time she catches Rick, electrocuting him.

The agate grins.

"This will teach you to mess with me."

The flow of sparks danced their way through the whip until they hit Rick. The old man could have sworn he felt the electricity shocking, zapping every muscle, bone, and cell in his body. It burned so bad that it left him motionless for a minute. The quartzes just stood there without saying a word. Morty also stood there shocked but somehow knew his grandfather would be okay, after all he's been through worse.

Holly snickers in victory "Well, now that that's over I'll be taking that rose quar- Huh?"

Rick slowly gets up holding his hand to his forehead.

"Ow… fuck! Shit that hurts!" he groans.

"How is this possible?!" she growls. "No matter. I'll just have to keep hitting you until you fall, even if it means shattering you!" Holly threatens him, firing up her whip again.

"Yellow Diamond deserves better than you lowly peridots."

"Holly Blue Agate!" came running another amethyst.

"How many times do I have to tell you useless rocks to not run in the halls?!" The agate snaps at her.

"But-"

"No excuses!"

"But Blue Diamond is back!"

The whole world stood for a second.

"What?! " she panics "Everyone to your places this instant!" screams the Agate.

"Fuck Rick, what do we do?!" Morty comes up to him.

Rick quickly grabs Morty by his arm.

"Morty over here, behind this corner!"

Holly yells "Get in position all of you!"

Every quartz lined up next to each other before Blue diamond came.

Meanwhile the imposters were hiding behind the corner hoping no one catches them.

"Rick…" Morty whimpers

"Shut up!"

It got quiet again. They both look to see a massive figure approaching.

"What is going on here?" Blue Diamond asks, wondering why all these gems are standing in front of Pink's room?" she raised her voice a bit.

Morty stood in a state of shock. He'd never seen a giant so… god like, Rick's jaw dropped from seeing her.

"My diamond, my gracious wondrous luminous diamond." Holly greets her

Morty was right, she is a kiss ass.

"We were waiting for your return so we can welcome you back. Isn't that right." she turns to the other gems which they all agreed.

"I see..." Blue replies in a quiet voice.

"My diamond, may I ask how was the trial?"

Blue diamond looks away "Rose Quartz escaped the trial."

"Oh no, how unfortunate. I would've of loved to see her shattering. It's only fair after what she did to Pink Diamond."

The mention of Pink Diamond brought the attention to both Rick and Morty.

Holly thought to herself

"Where did those chunks of rocks go? They must have ran off."

Blue tells her "I want to be alone right now…"

"Of course, go right ahead my diamond."

Blue Diamond goes inside Pink Diamonds room.

Rick took a deep breath "Alright Morty, after everyone starts moving we'll blend in." he whispers.

After all the gems including the guys cleared off Holly felt something crumble beneath her boots. She inspects the floor noticing small pieces of green shard like objects.

"Plastic? But why is it here?" she said to herself. She then recalls the peridot holding onto her forehead where her gem is. "Those weren't gems they're human." she pulls out her weapon again to go hunt down the humans.

.

"Are we done yet Rick?" They both reached back to their ship.

"Yeah, let's get out of here Morty be-before they find out."

Morty noticed the fake gem that was on Rick's head is gone. Only bits of shards were left in their place.

"Rick, what happened to your gem?"

"That bitch Holly zapped me so hard that it broke to pieces."

"Geez Rick you shouldn't have fought her. Ha-how did you survive that shock anyway?"

"I designed this suit to protect me from any elements." Rick noticed the suit was burned out. "Looks like it needs more work, one more zap and I'm dead, we better get out of here before-"

"Before what?!" Holly yelled at them. Rick covers his forehead,

"Hey, how's it going?"

"Cut the act human, I know your game."

"Ah shit." Rick curses "Okay we're not gems, there's no point of hunting us down."

"Oh I believe there is. You see, you're not the first humans to escape and I'm not letting this happen again. More humans mean more specimens for the zoo. Now come quickly and quietly and maybe I won't treat you too harshly."

"UrP! fat chance fatass."

Holly sighs "Well, I warned you." she throws her whip against the humans making them scatter in different directions,

"Rick!" screamed Morty. The old man steps in

"Morty run!"

"But…!"

"Just do it!"

Morty starts to run as fast as he can, distracting the agate.

"Come back here you imposter!"

"Rick, what are you doing?!" the teen yells at the top of his lungs.

"Just a second Morty!"

Rick flies the ship towards Morty snatching him by his dress, seating him on the ship.

"Hang on!"

Rick cranks up the ship's speed dashing off into space!"

"Damn you all!" Holly curses not being able to grab either of them.

.

While flying home they both took deep breaths.

"Fuck! That was really close Rick!"

Rick takes a drink of Vodka. "I know I know."

"I'm never going over there ever again!"

"We'll see about that Morty. I can't believe it."

"What?"

"They're still trying to find the gem that killed Pink Diamond, after all these thousands of years…"

"What does that mean Rick?"

"It means the war between their planet and ours might still be going on Morty."

"What?! Isn't there anything we can do to stop it?!"

"I don't know Morty, I don't know…"

"That thing we stole… I think we should return it."

Rick takes out the gem.

"What is it?" the teen asks

"It's a gem."

"You stole a gem?"

"This is a rose quartz. These gems became obsolete after one of them killed their diamond."

"So they keep them trapped in the bubbles. What's going to happen to all the other rose quartzes?" Morty asks.

"They're probably going to kill them all." Rick answers.

"That's… terrible. What are we going to do with this one?"

"We're selling it."

"To who?"

"I don't even know who I'm selling this to. I just got a message and they offered me a lot of flurbos for it."

"Rick…"

"I-I-I-I know what I'm doing, look why don't I take you home so you can rest, then we can go to Blips and Chitz"

"O-okay." Morty calmly agrees.


End file.
